So, I have this helper that comes in the morning. I guess I am still trying to figure out why I have her. I mean, my bathroom is not the most accessible -- and I have fallen before, but I do it so rarely...that I can't pick myself up anymore. A lot of this I attribute to myself because I got lazy and stopped practicing. Plus, I got tired of fighting with my parents about needing a bar so I could practice getting myself up without assistance. I am trying to get bar now, so I can re-teach myself to get back in my chair when I do fall out. I haven't gotten too far with that yet, though. I prefer having someone around when I get out of bed (mostly because my bladder is full after the 9-10 hours I did not go to the bathroom and the urge to pee is not as great when someone else is around), but I get up and transfer on my own. I get to the toilet on my own (as unaccessable as that is.) I get in and out of the shower albeit slowly, but on my own. I shower myself. I let my helper help me dress because it is faster, but I can and do dress myself, like on the weekends. We then do my standing frame, which I do need another person around to help position my feet and strap me in, which doesn't require any strength at all, but my mom refuses to help me because her back is bad. WTH? So, I don't do it unless my helper, Benda comes. I like Brenda. We talk a lot. She's cool. But I can't fully trust anyone to become totally dependant on anyone. I like to do stuff on my own. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. My mom gets mad at me when I try to do stuff on my own -- but I can't even expect her to be around for me all the time. She resents me because she has made things hard for me to do on my own and I do rely on her to make things somewhat easier by being around. If she would have given me some supports equipment-wise to help me, I could have stayed more independent. But when I try to express this thought to her, It's like I am speaking ancient Greek or something and I'm being the selfish one. I still can't see how or why wanting to stay independent is selfish. I actually feel that when I let her or Brenda watch over me, I am making things worse in the long run. I decided long ago that I wasn't going to base my actions on the feelings or worries of others, but I have changed little by little...I started not doing stuff deemed even a little dangerous so my mom wouldn't worry. My family contends that I can't do stuff that makes them worry because it is selfish. So, I stopped doing stuff, and now have to re-learn stuff to stay independent. Sometimes I ask my mom to help...and she resents me for it. So, by being "un-selfish," I have become more "selfish." I can't win. To be continued..